Well hell. I debated whether I should even attempt horoscopes this month, what with the pandemic and all. It’s a sensitive time. A scary time. But then I realized it’s also a time to poke fun, stay light-hearted and reach for any amount of joy we can muster. Saying rude things about each sign brings me great joy. I couldn’t deprive myself of that in this time of need.
Aries - Little ram, you don’t handle this kind of stress well. You’ll be easily frustrated and extremely moody this month...which is fair. After all, it is a worldwide pandemic. Try to focus that energy into something productive like fixing things that aren’t broken and pacing aimlessly.
Taurus - Being quarantined isn’t that hard for you, beloved bull. You like to be cozy at home. Snuggle up, Netflix that shit and enjoy the downtime. Don’t forget to eat your weight in ice cream.
Gemini - Staying put isn’t your favorite. Nor is it the easiest with your brain moving a mile a minute and your adventurous spirit knocking down the door. Try a virtual museum tour...or Zoom chat with your friends. Boring and lame, I know, but this won’t last forever.
Cancer - Despite social distancing, you’ll be weak in the knees with sexual urges. Time to get real familiar and comfortable with virtual sexcapades. You’ll likely be keeping online porn sites afloat during these uncertain economic times.
Leo - It’s cute to see you relaxing into the lazy lion aspect of your sign. You’re so great at being loud and proud and working yourself to the bone. Take this time to slow down and let the stillness drive you to insanity.
Virgo - You lovelies likely hold jobs or careers in what the government is considering “essential.” Thanks for doing your jobs so the rest of us can be lazy assholes. Don’t forget to take care of yourself too! In this case, scrub your hands 500 times a day and isolate from your own family...well...more than usual. Non-essential Virgos? Good luck with your brand new podcast.
Libra - Wow Libra, you’ve really let yourself go. On one hand I’m impressed at your vulnerability and willingness to transcend the bullshit. On the other hand I think it’s probably time for a shower...and maybe move to a new spot on the couch.
Scorpio - You crafty bitch! Potting succulents, weaving a rug, repainting the entire house!? Get it, girl. Enjoy that time at home! It’s nice to see you passionate about something other than sex.
Sagittarius - Of all times, you’re socially thriving - making new friends, new connections, new romantic partners even. Too bad you can’t be within 6ft of any of your new cool friends. Maybe next month.
Capricorn - I can’t quite crack you Capricorn. You crave safety and security over most things, yet you’re transitioning beautifully into this mandatory quarantine. Keep practicing that crossbow and whittling those spears, they will surely come in handy someday soon... (Hint: they won’t).
Aquarius - You’re quirky and adorable and a little weird; it’s why we like you. You’re paving the way for self-care during this pandemic - and in the midst - inspiring others to also make poor “stay home” choices. Thanks to your lead, we’re all cutting our own bangs, eating entire pizzas and calling it self-care, and posting our homemade work out videos. Thanks a lot.
Pisces - This month is all about surrender. Let go of what you can’t control, let go of what you CAN control, be free little fishy. I know it’s tricky to conceptualize who you even are without all the walls and limiting beliefs you’ve built up, but trust me when I say - you’re an absolute emotional wreck...but you are still worthy of love.