September Quarantinescopes
It's that time again folks. Quarantinescopes! To get your hopes up, only to inevitably crush them in the end. Let's see how Virgo season will be treating you.
Aries - It's Virgo season! And it's a great time for you, Aries, to release bad habits and addictions and work on your health and self-care. It's the perfect time to go adventuring outside in nature. Too bad the world is on fire and outside isn't an option. Booze it is.
Taurus - Now's the time for romance and creativity. You're feeling inspired and confident in your love life. Get out there and sex it up! ...Oh right, the 'Rona. Booze it is.
Gemini - You're feeling nesty - maybe you're rearranging or renovating your home. It's a great time to cleanse your space! Throw out the clutter, donate that extra crap, open up those windows and let the fresh air invigorate you! Shit, forest fires and hazardous air quality. Booze it is.
Cancer - Virgo season is a busy time for you sweet Cancer. Remember to take care of yourself, meditate, stay rooted and try to limit your screen time and computer use. Except.. you work from home now and staring at screens is your new life. Welp, I guess...booze it is.
Leo - Nice Leo! Virgo season is shining a light all over the financial security section of your chart. Now's the time to ask for a raise! Make that money! What's that? You lost your job due to covid? Shoot. At least there's always booze.
Virgo - Happy solar return Virgo! Another year has gone by and you've managed to survive. You're feeling passionate, inspired and ready to take on this new year! Except...this year is basically cancelled, what with the pandemic and massive fires and whatnot. You've got no one to show off your skills to. Fuck it. Booze it is.
Libra - Oooh you're feeling sort of secretive and sexy and adventurous! Nothing sounds better than a late night exploration into the forest with that special someone for a night of the devil's business. Well, too bad. You can't do fun things, this is a quarantine! Stay home and enjoy the booze. Alone.
Scorpio - This is a time for communication and deep conversation! Unfortunately, the convo is the only thing going deep these days (if you know what I'm sayin'), on account of the covids. You must abstain! ...Unless they're in your "pandemic pod." Also, booze.
Sagittarius - You're looking to be recognized and appreciated this month, specifically in a financial way. Well, get in line buddy. Unemployment is still backed up for weeks and you're not that special. Booze helps.
Capricorn - This Virgo energy has you all jazzed up about traveling! But the only place you'll be traveling to is the couch, with Netflix. Just use your imagination. And lots of booze.
Aquarius - Oh Aquarius, you're feeling sensitive and overwhelmed. Well, reality check: so is everyone else! I know it's hard to hear that you're not some special breed of rare, undiscovered unicorn. But that's life kid. Might I suggest...booze?
Pisces - Virgo season has your relationship senses tingling! You're ready to get out there and meet new people and mingle and get all up in that intimate zone. Well, tough shit! 6 foot minimum sucker. Looks like it's still just you and the box wine. Drink up.