August Quarantinescopes:
Welp, we’ve made it through 5 months of quarantine... so that’s something. I barely have the energy to be rude so I I’ll try to give some actual useful insights.
Aries - Your fiery nature comes in handy these days. It helps inspire you to finally get that endless to-do list finished. It’s cute how you use productivity to ignore your real life.
Taurus - Get off your ass. Make space for more things in life than food and self-pity. It’s time to expand, and I don’t mean your waistline.
Gemini - You’re doing alright. Keep bringing people together and sharing your passions. You may be the most helpful sign through this pandemic.
Cancer - It’s up to you to feel all the big feelings and do ALL of the emotional lifting for the rest of us assholes. You don’t get enough credit. Enjoy the quiet time, have a good cry and devour that tub of ice cream. You’re going to survive this.
Leo - Weird time to be a self-indulgent Leo. Who’s going to boost your self-esteem if you can’t even share your beauty and wisdom with the world because of stupid Covid?! Start a vlog I guess.
Virgo - I like you Virgos. Keeping it real and earthy and grounded even when the world is imploding. Thanks for staying solid and calling everyone else out on their shit. You’re the Astro-accountabilibuddy.
Libra - How are you? Sad? ...Lonely? Bored out of your mind? Or have you taken the road less traveled and poured your heart and soul into conspiracy theories about the government taking away your god given rights? Good luck to you either way.
Scorpio - You are feeling spicy. You know deep down that you don’t have to take anybody’s shit and under these circumstances you’re likely cutting people out of your life left and right. You don’t have the time or space for any extra bullshit. Good on ya.
Sagittarius - You gentle soul you. Doing your best to hold it all together for everyone around you. It’s a hard, thankless job, and it’s probably not even working. But I respect the effort.
Capricorn - All this space has really given you time to cultivate your talents. Home repairs, producing that lo-fi home recorded album, honing your wild game hunting skills. It’s not all bad.
Aquarius - I bet that glass of wine is looking real good. Like 6 glasses a day good. That’s fair, quarantine sucks. Wish your liver luck.
Pisces - Your need to control every aspect of life is at an all time high. You’re honestly the worst to be around right now. Stop it. Let that shit go and accept reality as it is - an out of control nightmare, hurling through space like a flying fire ball on a path to obliteration.